The Millennium will soon be an adult – it's turning 18 in something like 12 months; with what seemed like the passage of many catastrophes, it survived the millennial bug, slow exit of MySpace, and even the Mayan prophesies. This got me thinking that there are so many of us who survive the fire-breathing dragons, yet fret about the flies that buzz around our heads.
It’s time to take out the trash. Somehow, looking back now, I think the worst times were when I was in meaningless relationships which in turn would end up bringing me down completely. One negative relationship can cause you to fail at work, suck out all your energy and vibe, your friends, and thereafter it's one big black hole. I am left baffled at how many strong, independent, and educated women think these life-draining relationships are everything.
I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on a few common types we all encounter at some point - let me know if I've missed out on any!
1. Werky Twerky
As much as I appreciate Rihanna’s song, I would like to reason with you to not to ‘Work, Work, Work’ on your Boss. With him is acceptable. You must think that the adrenaline rush, excitement, and thrill of being his ‘Naughty Girl’ is worth it – but, I am just like meh.
It's not too late to pull out of a mistake you've made – be sure to be the one who calls the shots and not to be the one who is shot to fame as the office slut.
2. The Married Mojo
I say this with much ambivalence because I am bound to step on a few toes with this point. How does one say they are in a happy relationship with a married man? That's just polar opposites for me – an oxymoron if you will. You're either unaware of the fact that being ‘married' means having another woman (who may be just like you) in the equation. Are you going to build your happiness on that? And, if yes, I bet you're absolutely certain that the cretin is not going to do the same to you? R-I-G-H-T.
3. The Sugar Daddies
I know that the iPhone 7 Plus is expensive, but, is humping an aged, warty man worth it?
One of the worst forms of a relationship is when his words eat into your head to a point where you hate looking into the mirror. If all he sees are your ‘flaws’ or your weight increase, decrease, crow’s feet around your eyes, hints of melasma on your hands, or chipped nails, you need to lose him – fast!
If he fell for you in your present ‘state', then he shouldn't have a problem with it 9 weeks into the relationship or if the present state changes into something you don't like, and if he can't ‘love you up', you really need to know that it's better being single until you're 85 than deal with this. If you can't go on a date to Dolce Italia and eat 6 out of the 9 slices of pizza and steal a large portion of his dessert and then ask for more carrot cake on the way, you're not yourself with him.
I understand him keeping you waiting for a few minutes every now and then because every sane man knows that when a woman says she is ready, she is still 60% into her makeup. However, if your waiting turns into frequent cancellations or unexplained lateness of a few hours, you need to send him my favourite WhatsApp emoji. I am going to leave you to guess which one it is.
6. The Crusty Critique
It’s one thing to ‘lovingly explain’ certain things – if you need a haircut, attend to the unibrow, or if you need to catch up on sleep, i.e., however, if he constantly compares you with his friend’s girlfriend, and implies that he is embarrassed by you – that’s a hot cake you need to drop right there!
7. Down, Down, Down
If his first reaction to seeing you is unzipping his trousers, and not sweep you into a ginormous hug or leaves conversation at a minimum ‘that’s right, baby’ – you must know that you are ‘heading’ in the wrong direction.
Dump his as* so hard that he needs to ice his humps for weeks to come if he claims to have *other* female best friends whom he sends read heart emojis at the end of the conversation. I may be wrong, but how I see things is that if you two are in a relationship, you are assumed to be his ‘all’ and if he needs best-friends with a V instead of a D, you need to lose him.
Lose F*ckbuddies. It’s so 2003.
10. The Warrior
I've saved the best for last. If he so much as lifts a finger at you, I beg of you to douse his crowning jewels in acid. I can't stress enough about the women who think it will get better over time or that they do it because they love you.
d.) all of the above.
This is not a ‘to-do’ list nor is it your resolution oath, but I strongly believe it’s time to prune the weeds and what better time than the start of a new year… I’ve listed toxic relationships or signs of one that need to change or end – as harsh as that may seem, you’d be amazed by what you’d be able to achieve on your own.
Have I missed out on anything? Can you add to this?
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