What They Don’t Tell You About Being Single

For something like three and half years, I met people who seemed to envy my single status. They would say, ‘You are so luck-eeey'; after carefully trying to ascertain why they assumed luck was on my path, they'd explain that I must enjoy the blissful peace the single status has to offer me. 

Being ‘single’ is like those massively deceiving BodyShop adverts that claim to avail a 40% off, only once arriving in the store do you read the fine print that says that it's only applicable for purchases for the price both your kidneys would fetch. It's like those infamous fish buns A.K.A ‘maalu paan’, where you bite in expecting a burst of fish but you’re only greeted with a trench of nothing and an inkling of potato. It may appear to be fancy and glam on the outside, but really you’re like the CEO, janitor, tea-lady all together in your head. 

Let me start by saying that being single not easy; you are entitled to a bit of ‘paperwork', as I call it. For those of you who think that Singletons have nothing to deal with, this is where I am going to prove you wrong to tell you about the ‘fine print’ you tend to oversee! 

 

1. Copa-Comparisona: 

 

You get compared; a lot. It could be to your sister, your neighbour, the high-flying cousin, your mother's best friend's uncle's daughter' cat. The ‘Taken’ have similar encounters of ‘X is getting married next month, when are you planning to tie the knot?’ and Singletons face a similar spin with relationships, jobs, hair or the semi balding spot, height of slit, etc. 

 

2. Laby-Baby: 

 

You're a social experiment to those around you. You tend to feel like a laboratory rat. How long can a girl go without their (ahem) needs being addressed; how many vibrators fulfil a Singleton? Is her binge-eating caused by the lack of action ‘down there'? How long before she notices the rain clouds her leg hair has created? 

 

3. Rick, the Rocker: 

 

Sorry, I just ran out of things to call a Richter scale. Your weight fluctuations are monitored closer than the earthquakes in the region. 

 

4. Bun Baking: 

 

Just when you think you can deal with the four above, the Mother Ship lands you with a pile of ‘Bio-Produce-Oh'. I don't know about you, but when I am told that my clock is ticking, the gooseflesh rises on my neck. Not in fear – it's just that I don't like what seems like 3% of my body telling what I can and cannot do. Hello? Have they not read about Janet Jackson? 

 

5. The High Life: 

 

You’re not told in advance that your social life will rise exponentially or that it will be flatter than a used Sephora mask. There’s no in-betweening, I’m afraid. It’s either Hello-Stiletto or Jamming in my Pyjammy, with yesterday's KFC 'hot drumlet' debris in your hair. 

 

6. No-Make, No-Way: 

 

You're told that there's such a thing as 'too much makeup for a single girl's face'. I don't use 30% of my salary on matte lipstick to be told that red isn't appropriate for a 7:30AM meeting. I will share this story in another update. 

 

7. Deep Sea Diving: 

 

Good guys don't come easy. There aren't ‘plenty of fish in the sea', just those deep-sea monsters only a Tsunami can wash ashore. One must react with Zen-like patience at being told that Prince Charming (rudderless) is just on the outskirts and you will have your happily ever after sooner than imagined. 

 

8. The MCQ: 

 

You're always questioned. The thing with being in a relationship is that people offer you the benefit of the doubt. You're in the gym daily = you have an upcoming wedding, you dress well = you’re groomed, your brow powder is smeared on your forehead = you’re a busy woman with your priorities straight. However, when you’re single, the version of the above instances will be, 1. You’re trying too hard to land a d*ck 2. You have way too money as a direct result of solitude 3. You can’t ever get anything right. 

 

9. No Love? No Life! 

 

Your colleagues assume you can pull in an extra hour and handle extra tasks because ‘you have no life apart from work’. 

 

10. The Amazon: 

 

You can’t miss shaving your legs. People just assume that being single means that the act of deforestation is lax. How wrong they are! You contribute approximately 5% of your earnings to salons for good grooming, but you’re asked, ‘you’re single, but why?’ 

People need to understand that being single doesn’t imply being uncivilized. 

We just need people to understand that being Single means things are 'easier', but not easy. The challenges a couple takes on as a pair, you are left to deal with by yourself. I hope this read has been an enlightening one! 

If you're single and find yourself vigorously nodding your head in agreement, go ahead and click on 'share' to send this to your friends! Share your thoughts with me via Ms Confidential live on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter and look out for more reads on msconfidentialcolombo.blogspot.com!

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Ms. Confidential

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